I used to be that kind of girl. That kind of girl that will cry in front of everyone whenever she is upset or sad, laugh happily whenever she receives a text from her crush, that brave girl with all the courage in the world to approach her crush and strike up a conversation first, the girl who is not afraid of any kind of rejection from her crush, that girl with her innermost emotions and thoughts written all over her face, that trusting girl who can tell anyone about her secret anytime, anywhere. But now, I admit it, I became a coward after the last painful experience. I learnt to hide my feelings from anyone and everyone I don't trust enough. If you know me well enough, you will know that once I have fallen in love with someone, I tend to fall very deeply and people call me the insanely in love girl. I observe him, his behaviour around me and other girls, I stare at him, I talk to him whenever I get my chance, I think of him every single day. Okay, that sounds way creepy but I guess everyone who is in love does that, right? RIGHT? Okay, maybe it's just me, but yea, like I told you, I'm a crazy girl when I'm in love. But now, it's different. I don't know what went wrong and I don't know why I have changed. When he is near, inside of me, I'm squealing but outwardly, I act completely normal as if he means nothing to me. If this happens to me like one year ago, I will be smiling like an idiot in front of him. If he is nearby, I would walk to him and talk to him like we are long lost friends. But now, I would just walk straight past the person and pretend like I do not know him. I'll be very friendly to him on certain days and I will just ignore him when I feel like it. This is a bad habit that I tried very hard to break but too bad, now I'm that kind of girl that will wait for him to approach me first. I admit it, it was very devastating to know that he has a girl on his mind now, but is it bad or stupid that I still feel like trying? I mean, from my point of view, it's better to try and get the answer I need for closure rather than constantly guessing all the time then losing the chance to do something about it and regret it in the future. Genie asked me that day, whether my liking towards him has something to do with peer pressure because he don't seems like my type of guy. Well, maybe. But the truth is, I'm in it so deep that I don't even care whether it's peer pressure anymore. I'm surprised by my own thoughts though. I never thought that I will like him that much.
Stop trying and move on without knowing the answer? Not my style.
Continue trying and get the answer I want even though it will break my heart? Yes, my type of thing but not now. I will wait for the time when I feel like everything is in the right place.
Well, that concludes my post. I'm sorry for bothering you people with my stupid ranting post. Forgive me for my raging teenage hormones. The need to rant about love and all those useless stuff when I have more important things to think about.
