Black

In this world, where you are surrounded by so many people, how is it possible to feel alone? To feel like you are worthless and people are just waiting to see you fail. That black dog in my mind is constantly telling me that people are tired of me and my shit. My feelings don't matter. I have families, friends and many other precious things. Feeling this sad is a crime. Change the thoughts in your head, people often tell me this."I would if I could" is my only reply.

Sometimes, I will wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world, sunshine is great, food is good. I could eat without stopping. Days like this, I'll think to myself, "Hey, maybe I could make it. If I just this positive for a few more days, I'm sure it will slowly turn into weeks, months and years." I would be laughing with my partner regarding my momentary breakdown and distorted reality when the black dog attacks. Days like this, I'm socially active. Sitting down just won't work because I want to go out there and live the life that I have.

There are days I feel like shit. I don't want to get out of bed. I want to stop seeing everyone that care and love me. I have a feeling that they will eventually stop caring so much about me. They will leave, just like everyone before them did. Participating in social activities become a chore. Food is just a 'thing' to keep me alive. Eating becomes difficult. All I want to do is sleep away the pain. If that is not possible, well, frankly, I have had contemplated suicide. What pulls me back is the face of my father in agony. I love him too much to do that.